You see pictures of me on instagram or thumbnails on my videos and see a smile and think everything is perfect in my life..well, I was editing some vlogs this week and certain parts I noticed unhappiness in my eyes. The one below in particular. I look sad. I want to reach through the screen and hug me. I look like I am just not all there.
This might be a little different side of me to most of you since you all usually see my sense of humor and my sillyness with a huge smile. Let's face it..we are all not happy 100 percent of the time. I have been hiding behind a smile for the past week. I used to hear people say "I am hiding behind this smile" and I never understood it and thought it sounded silly, but I understand it clearly now.
I am sad. I am un-happy. I don't know why. It's not Postpartum depression. It's a cry out for attention I am guessing and I don't want to admit that but I feel that's what it is. I guess I feel alone and put down by so many friends lately. Like my life is boring to all of them and because I have kids I am now an alien to them and someone who they have no interest for. I am always there for my friends when they need someone to talk to. I am there when they have relationship issues, family issues, or if they are bored. Sad thing is , I come to find out..they don't have free time for me.
Now , I know I have a family who is here for me. Larry (My husband) and my two beautiful babies. Trust me! I appreciate them and I love them more than anything. Larry has been trying to be here for me but it's hard because we live together and have been arguing so when that happens..again I feel alone. The other day I just got in my car and drove off to a target parking lot and sat there crying listening to music. As I was sitting there I was getting so upset with myself and realizing I am picking these fights and I am crying over nothing.
All I can think about are the negative things in my life right now and It has been bringing me down. Today has been a little better I have been smiling more and have more energy so I know it's going away but back to how I am letting negative thoughts get to me...Youtube being one. I don't get as much criticism as some youtubers because my following isn't so big, but I feel like giving up sometimes because I work so hard on it and feel like I get nothing out of it.
Next..my appearance.. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I have done videos about loving yourself but sometimes you can't help but look at yourself and think yuck why do I look like this today. Why doesn't this fit? How did that girl lose so much weight after her baby and I didn't? I am a pretty positive person but man these feelings of my appearance were eating me up.
Okay I need to stop with all this BS above and just tell you guys what happened last week. I didn't film for two days and usually I film everyday whether it be a daily vlog or a beauty/fashion video...well, I had a breakdown..remember I told you I am crying out for attention? Well, I had scary thoughts ..here goes... suicidal thoughts. Weird thing is I know I wouldn't hurt myself because I love my children so dearly and that would be selfish of me to do something so stupid. So, it was just thoughts in my head but I would quickly pray and think of other things..but why when I was cutting a sandwich I thought about the knife going in me? A cry for attention? Or is that now what I am telling myself to stick up for myself? If that makes sense. ? Suicide is no joke or anything to use to get attention but this was scary to me. Why these thoughts? why?! I knew I had to try to control them. I swear to all of you and to my family and to GOD I would never ever kill myself...The two days of thinking of those suicidal thoughts are gone completely but it was scary. I called my Dad and told him. Only him. He was there for me and I cried on the phone and I let him know not to worry I wouldn't do anything , but I guess I just needed to tell someone and my Dad was there for me and I thank him for listening and taking me seriously and not telling me I just wanted attention.
WOW I can't believe i'm sharing this with strangers but honestly..I am feeling so much better at this moment. The tears I was just crying have stopped. I am strong. I know this because I pushed those selfish feelings aside. We have bad days. If you have a day where you just want to crawl in a hole or leave ... please just take a deep breath and pray or call someone and don't be afraid to hide how you are feeling. If you don't have anyone...write a letter to yourself and you will see it's all just sillyness and it will subside.
I hear my husband and my kids in the other room right now and I can't help but smile. I almost want to delete this whole post because everything I posted above is gone. It's not how I feel anymore,but it was ONCE how I felt and I can prove to you and tell you if you ever feel this way it will go away and nobody is perfect. Thank you for reading this and whoever you are I appreciate your time. You gave me time in your life. Stranger or not. I appreciate it.
You are a strong woman....i wish I could give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy you posted this. And doesn't it feel at least a little better to get it off your chest? Im a huge supporter of yours and i have noticed your sadness. I've been through the same sadness and the same thoughts. I wouldnt wish that feeling upon anyone. I just wanted you to know you arent alone!
ReplyDeleteCristeen, I know we may not be "real" friends but I've followed you for a long time. You have helped me through my own body issues. I may not be heavy but i'm not the size I wish to be. If you ever need to talk, I follow you on Twitter and you can find me there. I wish you nothing but the best. Glad you are feeling better.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with anxiety and depression and even though i have been feeling better those thoughts come back out of nowhere every now and then so I can understand a little how you feel, painting helps me alot,go to Wal-Mart and buy a lot of paints that costs like one dollar, buy a canvas or just a drawing pad, just paint whatever you feel , the colors that attract you at that time, also doing something for someone helps me a lot, even paying for someone's drink on the drive through or donating clothes and also volunteering at a shelter especially women's shelters, it reminds me of what i have and giving makes me happy, knowing i made someone smile .... hope you feel better soon and wish you the best <3 aaaangelitaaaa
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure it deleted my comment. Anyway, like I was saying. I have had suicidal thoughts for years ever since I was a senior in high school and even before. I am now 21. I have depression and anxiety and it's hard for me to function at times but I always get through it. I am seeing a therapist and have for years. It truly helps having someone to talk to. Maybe it would be something for you to consider. God is always there!! You are never alone. My mom has always told me that and I believe it. Just know that people love and cherish you Cristeen Olley. Love you sweetie. Keep your chin up.
ReplyDeleteI look up to you so much! You are such an inspiration to me! You have the best personality and you are beautiful! I am graduating college next month and it has me thinking all these crazy thoughts. What if I'm not good enough for a big job? Who am I? Never thought graduating college would make me question who I was! I just want to let you know that we all love the work you do! Your videos make my day! Stay strong!!
ReplyDeleteAs i was reading your blog i teared up because i know ive had those feelings of loneliness and sadness and unhappiness with my weight. But i usually shake the feelings off and that i am loved by my family and husband. It may be a bad day or a bad week but its not a bad life.I have such respect for you & your family cristeen ���� i will keep you in prayer
ReplyDeleteWow! I have always looked up to you! Sometimes we don't realize that the girls we watch on YouTube are human and have feelings too. I would just watch your videos click like and think "wow she's so spunky and and I love her style" but never did I realize all the feelings that you held inside. I think we all are the same and we should be able to let feelings known, whether sad or happy. Well just letting you know that you're truly inspiring and definitely strong. Don't give up and look forward because your family is the only that is there until the end.
ReplyDeleteCristeen, you are describing exactly how I would feel at times. I understand the weight issue. You know whats funny, the other day I was watching your get ready with me video, and i was like "dang she looks good". I gain so much weight during pregnancy and didn't lose any when I had my son. It has been a bi*** just to lose 10 freaken pounds! Ugh. But i think that we beat yourselves to much, by comparing each other. Our bodies will do there thing we just need to be healthy!
ReplyDeleteNow, being a stay at home home is freaking hard! Emotionally exhausting, and very demanding. We are human, we need breaks! Go out! Do a 30 minute shopping trip, heck we can even have mommy dates ( we live in the same town, but that's just me being a creep hahaha). I even got a part time job as a nurse, and omg it was helped me so much! I don't feel useless anymore. I feel like a matter to someone. And it has helped me so much.
Please don't beat yourself up again. You really matter, to your kids, to Larry, to your family and friends, and to us!! Take care.
I feel like I could have written this exact post I have a 3.5 yr old and a 9 week old as well as a supportive husband too and lately all I can think about is the negative. I also have no one to talk to friends seem to always go when you have kids for whatever reason. Thanks for posting this I was crying reading it because I am not alone and know that you are not either. Things wil get better this shall pass.
ReplyDeleteCristeen you are honesty amazing I watch your videos religiously I am a 24 year old women who is married and fear that I will never have children I have low thyroid disease and could cause fertility problems me and my husband has tried now for 3 years and nothing yet but I look at myself everyday and think yuck I look fat or ugly my thyroid disorder causes me a lot of problems like my weight I feel as if I will never look as pretty or skinny as my friends and it hurts going into clothing stores and nothing ever fits me but i just think god everyday that I'm alive and I know you get a lot of comments and you might not even read this but thank you for sharing your feelings with us I feel like I know you by watching your Vlogs and your blog 💜💜
ReplyDeleteCristeen: first of all thank you for sharing. You are so brave for putting this out there. The reality is that many women have similar experiences and its so important that ppl have the courage to share so that others dont feel alone. You continúe to impress with your authenticity and transparency. This is life. You are real. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI know you said this isnt post partum depression but it very well could be. Its diff for all women, and it's ok. The good thing is that you are able to recognize it. I have been following you for years and I've always appreciated that you are one of the most real people on YT. Dont ever change. There are very mean and ignorant ppl in the world who will say stupid things bc they themselves are going through their own struggle. It's still no excuse to put others down but I'm glad you have things straight: God loves you. He is in control, dont let the enemy get to you. When you start to feel this
I was cut off above....
DeleteI was saying that when you start feelig this way again, get your bible out and read about Gods promises and LOVE for you.
:,( :,D
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you were feeling like this. I hope things get better for you. You are so brave for sharing this with us. Thank you for letting us into your lives. I love your vlogs and beauty channel. You seem like an amazing person, beautiful on the inside and out.
ReplyDeleteCristeen thank you for sharing this with us. You are strong and beautiful. I just want to give you a big hug! :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you were feeling like this!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you're going through. I've been there & its the worst thing ever. But you're lucky you have someone to talk to. I had a misscarriage last month and to this day it hard to even talk about it. I feel like no one understands what I went & going through. But anyways you are seriously an amazing beautiful lady. You have beautiful kids. Keep your head up ��
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a hug!! Have you had your thyroid checked recently? Everything you are going through sounds exactly like what I went through when my thyroid hormones were out of whack! Pregnancy and childbirth can effect your thyroid levels. I love you Cristeen!
ReplyDeleteI truly do wish this goes by fast for you. I can honestly say I related a whole lot to your post - so much so that it had me in tears remembering my own. Back in 2010 I joined a new retail company (I will leave the name out for their sake). They were a Korean owned company that started out small but are widely known now and are at almost every mall. I was happy when I joined. It was a great opportunity to be a part of an up and coming company and say that I was an "OG". Unfortunately after a year that happiness did not last. And perhaps it is my own fault for allowing such treatment, but I was "stuck" in the brain area. Sometimes that happens. I was promoted to Store Manager which became a full time job (and by full time I mean 40 PLUS hours because overtime was exempt from full time employees with that company). I was made to come in when I wasn't even scheduled to work. I was made to extend my working hours, almost daily. I was made to put in so much of my time and efforts into something I did not feel I was getting paid enough for. Did I ever get a thank you? Absolutely not. Instead I was constantly, called "stupid" by my District Manager. If there was something he did not like he would quickly yell about it. He would escort me outside through the back door and proceed to yelling at me about how "fucking stupid are you?" He was never pleased when it came to the store standards. My visual team made a move once and all he could say to me was, "What the fuck is this shit? Is this what you fucking do all day? Fucking stupid." And would take off. He was a city based District Manager so trust me we saw way too much of him, something irregular to me because other companies did not do the same. District Managers are technically given 10-15 stores to oversee across one or two states. This one just had 3 stores in the city I live in. I know the boss' job is to ensure his team is following him and making sure his stores are in place, but I am almost certain that is not the way to do so. And that's not all. I was made to organize and clean the ENTIRE back room one time, alone. Apparently pitching my idea for a new system in the back room and asking for one person to help get the job done is "stupid" so I was made to clean and restock the back room as punishment I guess. It was not easy. I lifted and carried so many heavy boxes, I hurt my back, hurt my arms, my head was pounding, but worst of all - I felt kicked and smashed down into the floor. I remember crying in the bathroom at work several times. I did not do it in front of the staff because I felt they would only deem me "dramatic". No one knew exactly what I was going through, not even my "best friend". Anyways, I finished the back room. The last bit was folding the graphic tshirts into a rack. I left finally, leaving the visual team to finish folding the shirts the next day. Well the next day the DM came in to check the progress. He never once said "good job" or acknowledged my hard work. Instead he critiqued the way I had done things and when he saw the shirts had not been finished, he began throwing them at myself and the leader of the visual team. I put up with this Cristeen for so many years. The yelling, the humiliating, the sexual remarks he would make (NOT appropriate for work), and I was never allowed to stand up for myself.
ReplyDeleteIf I did I was again, "Fucking stupid for talking back," and he would tell others he did not want to see my face. Those are all just minor details of the whole picture. I never took him or the company to court because I did not know how or have the financial means for a lawyer. I also did not have proof of all of that unless several others would stand by/with me. I knew that wouldn't happen. It just got to the point where whenever I knew he would be visiting the store I began to shake uncontrollably. When I left the company to move to another I thought things would get better. They did in the sense that I no longer had that putting down happening. But for some reason I never understood why I still felt sad. Like you, my eyes just seemed empty at moments. I was always working it felt and I let my number one priority do down the drain for work - school. My education is the most important thing to me right now. Working all the time also made me lose time with my family, cousins, aunts, uncles, gparents...I never saw them anymore. I felt so down Cristeen that I thought to myself, "If I got in a car accident and went into a coma, how would those around me react?" Would my so-called friends be there? Would my family be there even after I sort of abandoned them? I would NEVER do anything to hurt myself. EVER. That is not how I want to be remembered. But I just felt down thinking maybe I am "stupid" like he told me all these years. I mean I stuck around a job I felt abused at, I left school, I sort of left my family - what now? I walked away from retail. It sucked my entire life into what seemed like a black hole. So many years were wasted in my school. But I am glad I walked away from retail. Yeah the money was good after a while but was it worth it? Worth being sad? Worth giving almost everything up for? Absolutely not. I may not have kids but I do someday and that is not the story I want them to know me by.
DeleteI am now working at a dance company part time. I am the office administrative assistant. I am surrounded by children left and right, children who have gotten really close with me and love coming over to talk to me about things. They think I'm "cool". They look up to me. Those kids and this job have turned my life completely around. I have gone back to school full time and am doing great! I have interviews next month to transfer to a university to finally finish my Bachelor's. The parents at the studio love me too. They like that there is a good role model for their kids at the office. I gotta say - kids really do bring out the best in some people. They are just a genuine type of being. And I love my job. I have not been happier to be back at school and at a job I very much love. And I get to dance again! P.S. I also rekindled my time with my family which adds to my happiness. Every now and then I think back and I do still feel a part of me is soft at the subject of what I went through and it brings me to shed a tear. But the realization that all of that is gone now always hits me and reminds me that life is not always going to be a misunderstood cycle
DeleteSorry to have bored you with my story. I guess what I'm trying to say is - no matter how hard life gets sometimes, you will always have at least ONE person you can speak with. Someone will always be there for you - even if it is a bunch of strangers on a Blog, at least then many of them will relate to you and you will not feel alone. I watch your vlogs religiously because those are also a part of what make me happy. I enjoy going to bed and watching your vlogs. You guys crack me up...especially Jayde! It may seem distant right now but I promise you...it WILL pass. Don't ever feel alone because you aren't.
DeleteWhen you feel sad or down just think of Ellen DeGeneres dressed as Dory, swimming in front of you egging you on to, "Just keep swimming...". You'll reach P. Sherman 42, Wallaby Way, Sydney, Australlia soon =).
I definitely have been there! Especially after my first born was diagnosed with Autism I dropped off the planet I was so busy and I emerged myself in articles and information on autism. I couldn't even socialize without talking about it. I miss family events and avoid leaving home as much as I can cause I have put on so MUCH weight. But then there are days I feel good but I get a lot anxiety when I have to talk to people but I'm dealing with it. I try to remember I'm blessed and very lucky. I fight with my husband a lot too but we love each other and he is my rock. We always get over whatever it is we are arguing about cause eventually one of us laughs or gives the other a hug. You're brave for writing this. And I hope you get more subscribers because you deserve so many. I have been a subscriber since Jade was a little baby :)
ReplyDeletei couldnt help but cry when i read you calling your dad! i have been there and its so true crying it out, telling someone and going for a ride to clear your head really works :)
ReplyDeleteI was going through something similar. On May 3 2014 I thought my life was going to end. A girl came to my home she told she and my husband had been having an affair for the past 4 years and they had a 4 month old son, I cant even put into words the way I felt that moment she told me that in front of my 8 year-old daughter and 3 year old son. At that point I didn't knoe what to do I felt like I just wanted to end my life. He left the house that day without saying a word to my kids not a bye nothing. The day after is when all the bad thoughts came to my head, like he did this cause im ugly cause im fat I wasnt good enough for him so many ridiculous thoughts. It has been a nightmare sometimes I still cant believe this happened. Im going through a divorce and it is so hard emotionally. I was married for 10 years, I feel like it was just a joke and a big lie. But thank God For my kids they are my strength they keep me going everyday. I had really bad anxiety, but thankfully little by little im getting rid of it. Now I think I didn't lose anything good. He lost a good woman and his beautiful kids.
ReplyDeleteChristy I'm seriously sitting here crying over your blog you have nothing to be ashamed of 2 year old twins none of my girlfriends are around I have no one to talk to but my husband and sometime He can't truly understand how I'm feeling, he still has his friends that he could talk to you whenever he's having problems that were having problems I don't. I sometimes feel like I'm more unhappy all the time that I am a happy if that makes sense. I get so overwhelmed am I going to make money for rent, Are the Twins going to nap. thank you so much for posting this blog to know that you're not the only one has feelings like that and we're not the only one feeling
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